Family Stories

When faced with the grief of losing a loved one, the last thing most of us want to face is a mad search for important life and financial records of the deceased.

Below, I share two family stories: One involving heartache when critical documents could not be found; and one of a life well-lived, and well-documented.

Caron Brennan

Kay’s Story

After 20 years of ill health, suffering from the effects of diabetes, heart disease and depression, Kay died at the age of 58.

The good news was that she died peacefully in her sleep.

The bad news (for the family) was trying to find the necessary information to handle the estate.

She was legally separated but not divorced and living in a different state than her spouse. She owned a condominium and a car, and had a brokerage account and a bank account in her name only.

When family members arrived to deal with the situation, no Will could be found (even though she had told some family members they were in it) and no indication of an attorney that might hold a will.

In her desk, there was what appeared to be a safety deposit box key, but no indication what bank or institution the box might be located in.

It took a while to locate a checkbook, but it hadn’t been balanced in over 6 months. Once balanced, it appeared there was cash missing from the account.

One of Kay’s friends said another friend had been loaned the money (the same amount that was missing) but there was no note or documentation to prove it (which meant the estate had no way to collect).

Only Kay was an authorized signer on the checking account, so no bills could be paid through that account.

All assets in her name only (condominium, bank accounts, stocks, money market funds) were frozen and subject to probate.

There was jewelry missing from Kay’s jewelry box, some it family gifts and heirlooms. One or more of Kay’s friends had keys to her condo and may have taken items, including jewelry, before the family arrived.

This estate could take years to settle.

It has already cost the surviving family a great deal of aggravation and considerable out of pocket expenses. The estate’s bill for attorney’s fees continues to increase.

As Kay had health crises in the past and once almost died, the family counted on (hoped?) that she had done some end-of-life planning.

I don’t think it was Kay’s intention to leave things in disarray and put her family through this nightmare.
She, like many people, didn’t want to think about being incapacitated or dying — it’s too difficult of a subject to deal with — and I’m sure she didn’t understand the impact or the consequences of her inaction on her loved ones.

Charlie’s Story

My father-in-law, Charlie Brennan, came to live with us in December 1995 after being diagnosed as legally blind with macular degeneration as well as high blood pressure and a mild heart condition.

He was 81 years old, could no longer drive, and could not live on his own in his beloved Wisconsin farm country.

Because of my nursing background and role in our family, I became his caregiver. He named me as his Healthcare Power of Attorney, primarily because if he had to go to as doctor or hospital, I would be the one to accompany him.

Because Charlie was at a new address in a new state, he updated his Will, Power of Attorney, Living Will, and Healthcare Power of Attorney.

At my insistence, he and I had several difficult conversations about what his wishes were regarding his healthcare.

No one likes to think he will get sick or die! but Charlie agreed that it was better to think through what you would like, before an emergency occurs, when you can look at various situations calmly and rationally.

We discussed the possibility of hospitalization and under what conditions he would want to be resuscitated, have life support, have a feeding tube and/or hospice care. It wasn’t easy to have those conversations, but it helped both of us to be clear on what he wanted.

Five months after moving in with us, Charlie awoke early one morning with symptoms of a mild heart attack. I took him to the hospital where he subsequently had a successful triple by-pass, heart valve replacement, and a pacemaker implanted. It was comforting to the family as well as very helpful to the physicians and hospital staff to have Charlie’s Living Will in his medical record, know who his Healthcare Power of Attorney was and what his expectations were.

Thankfully, Charlie recovered from his heart surgery very well and lived for several more years to enjoy his life among his sons and grandsons. About six months after his surgery, when he was feeling fine, we discussed his final arrangements. It was one thing we hadn’t covered before his surgery. Now that we had looked Fate in the eye, we realized that it would be easier to be prepared in that way as well.

Once again, Charlie and I had a difficult but necessary discussion about what he wanted. He was very firm that he wanted a plain pine box! He served in the South Pacific during World War II and wanted the benefits due him as a Veteran. After a visit to our local funeral director, we had all the arrangements made— casket, flowers, prayer card, etc.—and to be paid for through a special insurance policy. Always frugal, Charlie was particularly pleased that by “pre-arranging” he paid about half of the cost of the entire funeral “at-need”.

One Monday in June 1998, Charlie had a medical emergency—he appeared to have passed out or suffered a stroke. After an exam in the Emergency Room, Charlie had slurred speech and was slightly confused, but seemed to understand where he was. The physician explained that Charlie had an inoperable brain tumor. The prognosis was not good—only a few weeks or possibly months— because of the location of the tumor. As devastating as the news was, the decisions were easy, because we had talked about it ahead of time.

After being stabilized in the hospital a few days, Charlie was admitted into hospice care at a local extended care facility. In addition to the facility staff, he had hospice staff attending him regularly. Charlie was kept comfortable and safe, and we were able to visit him frequently. Even the dog was able to visit him! At such a difficult time, it was tremendously reassuring to have his last days made as stress-free and restful as possible.

About six weeks after the diagnosis, Charlie passed away just after lunch. He appeared to be taking a nap.

Because we had pre-arranged for his funeral, all I had to do was call the funeral director. No stressful trip to the funeral home; no agonizing decisions or difficult questions; all we had to do was notify relatives and friends and visit with the pastor. After the funeral, the hospice offered the family grief support through individual and group sessions.

Everyone in our family felt the pain of loss at Charlie’s death, but the whole process was so much easier and less traumatic because we had those “difficult conversations”.